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| The Happiest Boy Alive |
As some of you may or may not have heard Matthew Gaffen, aided by myself, (Jonny Rhodes) and Matthew Beech, managed to conquer his 806-day drought without sexual intercourse. In this post we will recount, in detail, the events of the hallowed evening.
We decided to surprise Gaffen by inviting a few 17yr old girls round for a small gathering after we had all returned from our Christmas breaks. As was expected, Gaffen’s room was in no fit state to play host to anybody, and he arrived back to the house five or ten minuets after the girls had shown up. Would this flustered, slightly confused gentleman, in much need of a wash, manage to charm any of our lovely ladies?
As the evening progressed, it was clear that Gaffen had taken a shine to one of our guests. On hearing that one of the girls was in a band, all we had to do was watch as Gaffen eagerly tried engage her in conversation. It was like putting a fat kid in a cake shop, any excuse for Gaffen to talk about his own musical aspirations is a welcome one as far as he is concerned. Poised for attack, sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning in and starring intently into her eyes, our man was the most eager bastard I had ever seen, God knows, I would be too if it had been 806 days since last having sex.
Unfortunately it didn’t seem like much progress was being made as Gaffen was just getting talked over and his attempts to talk about his music got flatly ignored. All was not lost however, as we brought out the big guns, spicing things up by playing a game of short straws. The loser, or winner as I like to think, got to give Gaffen a good kissing. Unluckily the ‘winner’ wasn’t the girl our boy had his eye on, but nevertheless, a twinkle was in his eye as he begrudgingly got given his treat and a slight glimmer of confidence now shone from within.
The real surprise came when we all awoke the next day. Having left our guests downstairs in the early hours to retire to our rooms, Gaffen emerged in the morning looking somewhat smug. As I peered closer into his room, I spotted the form of… wait, could this be?! The very girl who he seemed to be unsuccessfully charming only a few hours ago? That sly dogface of his lit up as he realized what I’d pieced together in my head, his once belittled skimpies now brimming with man pride.
When the rather sheepish looking broad had left us, we got the real dirt. If the thought of Gaffen’s skinny form, rampaging a slightly chubby girl, and exploding with over two years of man fat wasn’t enough for us to handle, then the next few details would certainly fill our amusement tanks up to overflow. He recounted to us that initially she just wanted to curl up and have a cuddle, a realistic enough idea when sharing a bed with someone. Gaffen then revealed that she kept wanting to be cuddled and this eventually turned into kissing. As we all know it’s a slippery slope from there onwards, from Gaffen’s own lips “she wasn’t so sure at first but I convinced her”. The dirty rascal had finally struck some sweet 17yr old gold, boasting that he “showed her a good time” and that he was “surprised that she deep throated”. I think the jewel on the crown was finding out that Gaffen couldn’t actually come after all this filthy business. Whether it was because he had made too many withdrawals from the wank bank or that he'd just been desensitized from all the dirty wrong’un porn he had been watching in his two-year stretch, we shall never know. God bless you Matt Gaffen.
